Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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