I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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