My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Found your dick twin last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
