dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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