Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
