weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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