no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
