Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
