What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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