I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
