:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
