Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
