My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
