Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
