No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
