Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
