Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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