I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
