I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
