I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
