throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
