once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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