I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
