The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
