i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
