i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
