Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize