I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
