i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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