On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
