I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So vagazzling was a success
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
