so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
