she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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