Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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