I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
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i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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