just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
