This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
