i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
