I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
