just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
