Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
