We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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