Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
