: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
