That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
even my farts smell like vagina
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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