she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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