Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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