just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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