Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
