All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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