WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
