Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
