I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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