And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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