he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
