I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
