This girl is more easily done than said...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
