I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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